Game On!

Hey Unknown Soldiers, Just popping in to recommend the brilliant flash gaming site Arcadium Games. There's plenty on offer here whether your taste runs to Arcade, Puzzle or RPG and best of all for the most part all you need is an internet connection. Also there's a handy forum to discuss the games or just to chat. From now on you can find a link to Arcadium on FYIrl.com just above the blog links to have a look and a few plays or just click here.

Special Thanks to the Guys behind Arcadium Games, Chevron and Sumsar.

"The Mooninites love Arcadium Games, You Dumb Apes with your Redundant 3rd Dimension! Eat This"

Who Shot First? - Starscream or Greedo!

Okay Peons, here's where I give my honest, completely subjective on some of this summers blockbusters, So Spoilers Ahoy

>>> You're Fucking Retarded if you think I'm gonna make all the possible spoiling material invisible unless highlighted like this!! You've had your warning, So Act like an Adult and initiate some Damn Impulse Control! <<< style="font-weight: bold;">Transformers. As an O.G. Robots in Disguise fan I went into this movie with a mixture of elation and dread. Elation that my childhood heroes were coming to live action and Dread that it could turn out to be very horrible. Mostly it was a very very enjoyable movie and heres a few pro's and cons I'd like to point out:

Pros:

- I actually liked the human characters! The army guys were likable and well portrayed. Shia LeBeouf as Sam Witwicky was funny and well played throughout the movie and a perfect foil for the outlandish events happening around him. Turturro plays a winner to comedy effect with Sector 7's Simmons. All the human cast were likable and well used with the exception of maybe Glen the Hacker.

- The Autobots were spot on. Bumblebee was lovable and emotive (the scene where he was captured by Sector 7 was so well done!). Peter Cullen (the original voice actor in the 80's cartoon) brought Optimus Prime to life not only as a character but as noble and just hero. The driving scenes, especially the chase between 'Bee and Barricade were very exciting!

-The opening with Blackout and Skorponok attacking the airbase was brilliant, easily making him the most badass Decepticon next to Megatron.

- All the little detail put in - like the 'Bots battle stances when the Sector 7 reinforcements arrive, Frenzy's goldfish fear and Jazz deploying his shield when 'Bee dicides to 'ahem' lubricate Simmons. This and touches like Prime's Axe Sword arm (which he completely massacred Bonecrusher with! He then went to have Bad Muthafucka stitched into his wallet!) and Megatron's Morningstar Mace will make this a compulsive DVD view.

Cons:

- Could been a little more characterisation for The Decepticons. Sure it was was told from the Autobot and human perspective and Devestator (or Brawl as he meant to called) was meant as cannon fodder for the final battle. Barricade and Blackout kinda work as mysterious and Badass so the real victim here is Starscream. One of the biggest characters is Transformers history, defacto leader of the Decepticons before Megs is unfrozen and the only confirmed Decepticon survivor (Barricade mysteriously disappears after the highway chase) has TWO LINES, WHAT!! Instead of this we had to have Glen the Hacker and his plate of Donuts!!

This of course leads me to the controversy over whether or not Starscream joined the F22 's in gunning down Megatron. I think from the clues given, Yes he did, but as it isn't clear cut in the movie I'll wait to see If its confirmed in a sequel.

Did Starscream take Megatron up the ass?
Photo submitted as evidence. Notice the sloppy Reach Around.
Soundwave, You voyeuristic Pervert!!

- Also to a much smaller degree a) we didn't need Glen the Hacker in the movie and his part was done to a far better and more useful degree by Kevin Smith in Die Hard 4.0 and b) How about a little more grief over poor Jazz, It was like "He was a good friend but we have new friends, Yay!"


Overall whilst its not a thoughtful masterpiece (I mean was it ever going to be!) it is a big, often funny, highly paced and action packed movie that I throughly enjoyed (twice!)

Mucho Thanks

Listen Up, Gonzoheads! point you attention thisaway please.

I like to take this time to (admittedly belated, sorry) to thank Lauren Guillery and The Claws and Kojii for quoting our reviews for the Rock Chick Play-Nite of the 27th of June on their respective myspace pages. Also thanks particularly to Mz. Kojii herself for notifying me and the resulting email conversation, classy lady : ' ). Thank you both ladies and to the lads of The Claws and Kojii and I hope to see you all Rock again soon.

And Thank you for your attention

Bring On The Giant Head, Oh Yeah, Chop, Chop

Me in The Simpsons, That Unpossible !!

Your Capitan as resident of Springfield

Close I suppose, I don't know about that tee though and I would most likely have a cigar. Also that goofy assed smile was the only one I could find with a decent beard.

If you want one of these login to www.simpsonsmovie.com/
or for a slightly more accurate yet harder to achieve (you need to upload a really good headshot) check out www.simpsonizeme.com.

John

Fifi

Fritz


Gearoid

Steve

Dr. Mint

Doomsday Clock Stands At Five To Twelve

Historians amongst us (BTW Chuck P. and I are on to you guys) may remember 1977's Keene Act, outlawing Masked Vigilantes (some of us would call them Heroes) in America. Those of us enamored of these brave costumed men and women will be saddened to hear of the recent death of Edward Blake aka The Comedian (once part of the Minutemen and later the Crimebusters). Godspeed, Laughing Warrior. Police have yet to give an official statement but fowl play is suspected.

Also of the Crimebusters was the Inkblot masked crusader, Rorschach who has as yet refused to abide by the Keene Act and still acts as vengeful force on the streets. This long silent specter now has reason to believe the masks - as he calls them - are being murdered systematically and is looking for the public's help here at www.rorschachsjournal.com

I have already suggested by email that this may be a plot by America's right-wing government. This was only replied by one quasi-word "Hurm". It is well document Rorschach and I hadn't the best of interactions during the early 70's, one time during a interview set up with the Crimebusters, He pushed me to the ground, called me a "Damn Hippie!" and walked off. There were other instances which I'll decline to mention. I make no lies here; I'm afraid of the man, fearful of his symmetry and don't want my typing fingers broken.

The Watchmen Animation

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes ?

Instructions from www.rorshachsjournal.com







..-. --- .-.. .-.. --- .-- / .. -. ... - .-. ..- -.-. - .. --- -. ... .-.-.- / ... . . / -.-- --- ..- / .- - / --. ..- -. --. .- / -.. .. -. . .-. .-.-.-

instructions.
need to find mask killer.
spread the word.
print image.
place in public place.
take photo.
email to me.

.RR.

Captain Gonzo Goes To London - Part 2

Duck Soup and Cover

Upon my arrival in 'Blighty', I was met by my man in Londonium, PR shiva, Dr. "Mint" Imperialism. I meet him with two security personnelia embracing my ankles. Can I help it if I'm simply irresistible to a any animal despite their gender, creed or breakfast cereal of choice, not to mention some of the more interesting fungal cultures. "LEGGO O' ME, YOU CRAZY ESTROGEN FIENDS!!" I shouted, "THE LORD MADE ME A WANDERIN' MAN, DAMMIT !!!". Luckily my man Mint was on the case as from what I can ascertain some haplessly manic mutate had brought the place to a paranoid fervor. That man could convince a wild boar to climb up the ass of pygmy shrew.

We spent the next few days in and out of the local tavernas drinkin' rum and trading war stories, never forgetting our important work here, Pest Control. On the noon of the Saturday in question, we requisitioned the smoking balcony of the Tate Modern for some sniper shooting, our targets Living Statues and Mimes. There's nothing like a mime when shot, they adopt a pose akin to a spider monkey encased in hardened elephant spermatozoa before falling through their invisible walls.

When we finished with the easy quarry with turned our minds to far more dangerous prey, Scientologists, fore strike one of those down a horde of the begrinning devils rises in its place. I had noticed how young the average had become. I personally prefer my teenagers cynical and uncommunicative rather than all brainwashed and Smilex poisoned. We caught them in our sights, waited to see the hypnotizing whites of their teeth and set about sending them back to their alien overlords.

A Different Kind of Cult singing to their God

Captain Gonzo Goes To London - Part 1

Airport Security A Go-Go

(01/06/2007)
It was the turn of June and I was at the airport awaiting travel to Greater Britain. I had been under the impression the population were prone to wearing bowler hats and concealed rapier swords in their parasols for protection as had been my 60's Television education, needless to say I was disappointed to see nary a leather cat-suit on any of the comely ladies whilst on the isle. I had also been misinformed about this "Stiff Upper Lip", as far I was concerned I was about become a Slick Mouthed God passing through a generational epidemic of stroke victims.

First off was dealing with security and the water quota. Is not a man made of 2 thirds liquid? You see This Is The Canadian Nasty-Cat perched in their Cream of Mushroom Soup. In the opinion of this Doctor of Journalism, All people with Polio passing through airport security should be immediately detained. Only they in their palsy have the appropriate gammy balance to stop two liquid chemicals mixing in their bodies until the right time. Let them through and see what will happen, at some point they'll fall over and Buckingham Palace will be atomized! I can see the headline now: BRITISH ROYAL FAMILY DECIMATED BY TERRORIST GIMP BOMB. Despite my lack of confidence in airport security, I had not a single orange crush since that Tuesday and had that morning syringed empty my bladder.

They had me with the plastique insoles in my shoes though. Luckily after a search so invasive I would have expected to have been bought dinner beforehand, I was free to go. Thanks to my press credentials and rap sheet they decided that I was no terrorist but merely a Nomadic Mutant. They couldn't be sure It was safe to let me in but they could always use me under their Government's scapegoat policy for Population Culling, Codename: Deus Teneo Ex Machina.

Finally I was on the plane and off to London Town accompanied by many a fighting and screaming child. Quickly checking for pregnant women I reached for the CS spray I had concealed in my hand luggage.....

TO BE CONTINUED


The Chaser Through Airport Security

I'm from Rainbow Rapids!!

(01/06/2007) Contains Spoilers

So I go check out this remake of The Hitcher which this time I check out on my own-io. As detailed in my review for FYIrl, despite some higher jarring choices, it was O-kay but here I get to do what I can't do in a objective review, compare it directly to the original.

First off there's the choice to have a couple instead of the lone Halsey, with the girlfriend being the one to survive. I have no trouble with tough female protagonists but its an unnecessary change here that seems just a tool to sell sex on screen. Also neither the writer, director or actress here have what it takes to sell the evolution from innocent victim to warrior/crone that is so well exampled by the likes of Sarah Conner or Ripley.

Sean Vs Rutger - The Hauer wins with a knock-out in the third round! As said Bean here plays the best (and underused) character in the movie but that doesn't mean he still isn't phoning it in. Bean has none of the menacing charm , wit and idiosyncrasies of Hauer that made his Ryder oddly likable. If '86 John Ryder is from 'Disneyland' then his '07 variant is merely from 'Chessington: World of Adventures'!

Rutger Hauer - Pure Genius

Then there's the midway devolution into a action movie, I mean does a serial killer really need to gun down a load of cop cars to the pumping theme of Nine Inch Nails 'Closer', is this what you call suspense and thrills. From this point all starts to get a little silly with Ryder becoming Droopy the Dog to 'hot girl victim's' Wolf.

Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes plans to remake many a cult favorite (including the excellent 'Near Dark'). I have a mind to round up Rutger Hauer (who's probably on sabbatical somewhere comtemplating Moonbeams) and storm down to there buildings chewing gum and kicking ass but I had to fly somewhere else that day ......

Pieces We Ate, Are ?!!

(Friday The 25th of May '07)

I arrived at the cinema to meet Fritz then John (who had been hounding up tickets) after coming from a photography session which had to be rescheduled due to miscommunication. We headed up to the big screen, stopping only to mock the new and highly officious Ben & Gerry's, this time with plenty of time to catch the trailers

Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End was on show and very good it was too. Even though it will be probably trashed by those whose highly evolved brains could not be turned down a little (though some won't even though they can :-[). Yes, it's convoluted with too many characters doing too much double dealing but is it a fun show in the company of a selection of great characters? Hell's Yes it is!

The Pirate's Wheel

I then spent the rest of the day at theirs, later have a meal prepared by Fritz containing surprisingly not a single exciting cheese : ' ) . Now joined by Fifi and a currently Bess-free Porgy we ate up then watched a DVD till late.

The Age of Aquarium

(Recounting the events of Saturday the 12^th of May ’07)

I once again arrived the flat to find Fritz in a near doze, his day job wasn't being kind to him as he finished off some business on his laptop. Once more its a woman who makes you late, like most French girls Fifi had to bath in a bath full of Chanel numbers 1 through 5 , air dry herself, then lay face down in Talc before leaving the house. Actually she was only just back from work and needed to change but I couldn't resist the wind-up : ' ) . Still we cut it very close and still managed a grocery shop before she arrived.

We sat down just before the cert card for movie card came up. Zodiac was a very enjoyable movie, full of intrigue and top notch acting but It still it dragged to much for me in the middle. Fritz was dead right later when he said it was to portray the frustration involved but were there better ways. It was set in San Francisco, could there not have been a car chase! There were enough 'Bullit' references, It could have been an interpretative dream sequence that Toschi was having due to an overdose on Animal Crackers.

When we got back to the flat We found John perched cat like on their counter-top eying up a packaged Lemon Cheesecake. This could not shared though as it was bought as a dinner offering for a couple night with Porgy & Bess (Who are apparently French!! : ' ).

Umgawa, Baby !

(Recounting the events of Saturday the 12^th of May ’07)

Whelan’s again and this time it took a single bus trip from Finglas village, ah the advantage of foresight. It was a Saturday, in the late afternoon so I had to avoid eye contact with old drunks and junkies on my way up. Some Junkies can be noticed easily, it’s like their nose has become their primary orifice as the rest of their head caves in. One in particular who got on the bus could probably be cocaine dated back to the late 70’s , complete with long, Luke Skywalker bowl haircut and Lt. Cochise ‘tashe. That said I was mildly envious of his full head of hair.

I was begin to worry about the dizzying fatigue I had felt most of the week, as on arrival I nearly fell into the toilet cubical. Downstairs I was happy to see the bar girl (is there a more respectful term? I can’t write Barmaid without having flashbacks of David Essex in Dick Turpin. Should I give her a pseudonym?) from the last time obviously setting up the stage bar. I made my way around and paid in.

First up where Pilotlight, The Bar Girl (She recognised me! Pity I’m Pug Fugly) helped me with their history and said they “Kick Ass”, providing an organic addition to my review. It would seem despite this time being sober as an albino nun, I was still slightly enamoured of her but I know better than to act on it. It certainly would never be mutual and I know f**k all about Women (‘Cept that they’re great BTW, if any are reading : ‘ ). Nevertheless if I have the occasion next time I should probably ask her name.

Fight Like Apes - Lend Me Your Face

Next up were Fight Like Apes, Who were something a bit fun and new. They were obviously having fun onstage too, bouncing around and joking amongst themselves. I must admit I was anxious when their burly keyboard player began butting their young lady singer near the edge of the stage. Fun’s Fun, But What of Health & Safety, You Crazy Son’s Of Monkeys!! I retained my cool, sure what would Sir Dave Fanning do? I phoned up Louis Walsh and proceeded to insult Westlife.

The main act The Frank & Walters were class personified, funny and great musicians who wowed the crowd in attendance. Despite this and with the exception of a handful of tracks, their music just wasn’t my thing. Upon their final bow, I made my way out and despite now feeling a lot more light-headed from the fatigue made my way to the other side of town, caught a taxi home.

Sweet Zombie Yahweh !!

(Recounting the events of Saturday the 11^th of May ’07)

28 weeks later, the film that is, in reality only 6 days had past. I had arrived at Fritz and John’s flat just before 8 to check the movie with Fritz and Fif’ across the road at the movie house (J was workin’). Once everybody was ready we head out the Spar opposite (again great : ‘ ), where the couple managed to kick off a fight about Dr Pepper of all things. “What’s the worst that could happen?” now I had an early contender.

Now in the movie, I regretted drinking my bottle of water so early as I don’t like to be frightened, t’would be okay at home but cinemas these days have their speakers set to aneurysm. Never been over gone on the horror genre but I do enjoy stuff like this, what I like to call ‘Paranormal Survival Dramas’ or ‘Para-Survivadrams’.

I really liked the movie as I think did my company, Fritz though was put off by images and situations symbolic of Jews entering concentration camps and later being gassed (Adonai H. Emet! Can you imagine a Jewish Zombie, “Excuse me sir, are human brains kosher?”) I decided not to napalm his Teutonic cerebellum and tell him I noticed some zombies wearing orange sashes during the street scenes (the implications!).

Types of Zombies in Music Throughout the Ages

1) The 60's Zombie


2) The Political Zombie


and 3) The Rob Zombie


truly, truly frightening ....

Retraction, Attraction, Then Over-Reaction

It has come to attention that I was previously made the mistake in telling you that Porgy & Bess were Finish when they're French (which I had originally believed, yet that day I must have misheard Finn-ench when I should have heard Frenish, it can happen). Whilst when I beat down the fire doors of perception we'll no longer need Nationality, Passports, Flippers or any other use for the word 'Nice' but for the biscuits, for the moment consider this a retraction. Viva La Franland !!

I do however have quite a fondness for the Scandinavians (a name coming originally from a term for flightless birds). Up there they have no need for 'Piss & Vinegar' for they urinate concentrated Ammonium and pour Britvic '55 on their chips! Not Like You Mediterraneans with Your Slender and Petite Forms! Because of You some of us have to buy XL jacket sizes with the Number 6 On!

My Gawd, I Have Woken The Dragon! Quick, Go Get Me Some Help To Slay This Outrageous Behemoth ! Saint George, Shrek, Dennis F**kin' Quaid, Anybody!! JUST GO NOW, THE F**KERS ALREADY SET AFLAME MY LUXURY BEDROOM KIMONO !!! *

*The views of Capitan Johnson are not necessarily those of FYIrl.com and it associates ....... or anybody within the restraints of reality!
** stands for u and c respectively

'Ye Olde Amoeba-Man' or 'Adventures In Barstool-sitting'

(Recounting the events of Saturday the 5^th of May ’07)

Neosupervital, bless you … oh yes, of course, the review. Reviewing this one alone and having forgotten where Whelan’s was, I got a taxi from Dame Street (a bit of waste considering). I was really rather early so I had the first soft drink du nuit and made some early notes. The staff was mostly made up of young and attractive people in stark contrast to the ye olde fittings of the bar. Faced with a larger wait than expected I decided to have 1 Kopparberg Pear Cider (Which is great BTW, if anybody from Kopparberg’s or Richmond is reading : ‘ ).

Now in the stage bar, I met a fella who managed the trifecta of Out-Sizing, Out-Dublin-ing and Out-Balding me. He had an upcoming appointment planned with visiting movie star, Harvey Keitel and assured me of the quality and hi-jinks coming with the main act.

Oppenheimer - Saturday Looks Bad To Me

The first band – Oppenheimer – played to a low attendance at that stage but the music soon had won these over. A bar girl (who I would chat to later that night) asked to use my pen to take down the band’s name. Chatting later to Oppenheimer (first to Shaun and then to Rocky), I have to say I’d be hard pressed to find a couple of nicer lads. Neosupervital did a good show , singing, dancin’, bribing people with badges, the whole shebang! People took there time to get into dancing mode though, waiting for the proper alcohol to common sense ratio.

Having left after the show, I made my way down to Dame Street whilst trying to contact lads I had arranged to meet after the gig; I needed to find out where they were. Unsuccessful I stopped at Apache Pizza for a Ham and Cheese Bagel (Which are great BTW, if…eh… ah well, I think you know the drill : ‘ ), only to have them txt me a say they were up in Whelan’s. Having made my way back and with quite a bit of searching, I finally found them on the upstairs Mezz-cony (or is it Bal-enine?).

Mindful to catch up (and successful mostly too) with my friend’s alcohol consumption I made my way to the bar. Solely posted there was the same bar girl from downstairs earlier. Having to deal with a large of amount of custom alone, her movements were quick, decisive and bordering on the balletic, I was impressed. As I chatted briefly with her about the band I was aware of attraction on my part, my quiet desperation was being shout across the bar. Chalk it down to the drink, methinks.

People began to separate and leave when the last of us, myself and another lad head down to the quays to catch taxi’s home.

Is This Superhero Wheat or Meat?

(Recounting the events of Friday the 4^th Of April '07)

Ah, Yes, Spider-Man 3. I must admit despite being a fan of comic books and movies of comic books, I wasn’t looking forward to the latest Spider-Man movie as much others seemed to be. I hadn’t enjoyed the second movie as much as everyone either, don’t get me wrong it was very good but I’d have to rate it myself below the first movie. As the date came though, I became mildly excited about it and I have to say was disappointed when my colleagues (John & Fritz) decided not to have a Spider-Jammie Party to watch the first two flicks beforehand.

So I joined the two of them, Fritz’s girlfriend (Let’s say Fifi : ‘ ) and their Finnish mates (a couple we’ll call Porgy and Bess, for the lack of anything vaguely Finnish : ’ ) to see the earliest showing on the movie's release date. The Finish had already stocked up on croissants and similar pastries at the local Spar (which is great BTW if there’s anyone from Spar reading : ‘ ) in manner quite confusing to us Irish folk whose breakfasts only come in two modes, Wheat or Meat.

I did enjoy the movie overall (the start was a bit plodding trying introduce the many, many storylines), the action, comedic moments and performances were all of a high standard. I have gotten disagreeing comments since on my high marking of this movie (from one my friends in particular, who I shall call here ‘Senator Gavin Poppinjay’, for no other reason than He’s a Crazy Son of a Monkey). I stand by my opinion (which in the end is all it is, my opinion) that Sam Raimi did a good job of tying everything together and for my enjoyment I’d mark it over Spider-Man 2.

After the movie I accompanied John, Fritz & Fifi shopping for Watermelon (?!). Then, realising the time and how many other things I had to do with the day, I said my goodbyes and grabbed a bus home.

Spidey Vs The Critics

Of Alpha Dogs & Irishmen

(Recounting the events of Monday the 16^th of April, ’07)

Aha, my first FYIrl review, Picture it – Finglas, around 4pm, I had gotten a txt from my colleague who was working at the cinema (for the lack of a more original alias lets call him John). John had procured me a place at a special screening for the coming Friday’s “Alpha Dog". Despite having a killer ear infection (the right side of my face and throat stiff and aching), I decided to head in so I showered, took a slightly early dose of pain killers and taxi’ed it into town. After dropping in on a friend to deliver a present of a stuffed Coyote I had failed to get delivered in time for her birthday, I bought some Halls Soothers (which are great BTW if anybody from Halls is reading : ' ) in a vain attempt to ease a complete disparate condition. I then drank a bottle of water outside the cinema till I was ready to deal with stuff.

My hearing was mostly intact yet I was slowed, easy confused, in the 5^th Level of Discombobulatation (which I believe is entitled “I Think That Guy is STONED!”). Such is the effect of feeling like someone’s stuffed a small Scalelectrix worth of Styrofoam between your skull and right ear. I had some trouble deciphering the queue and procedure deciding instead deciding to sit down and wait to get my friends attention. Once I had gotten my pass I head upstairs, chose an isle seat. I felt somewhat conspicuous, having been admitted in this manner, like a game show contestant who had been given all the answers. But as this lot were all in because of some loyalty scheme or advertisement based website or other I could feel happy that the skill or effort involved was probably the equivalent of Deal or No Deal. I chose box 15 and the movie started.

Justin Timberlake wasn’t as jarring as I thought he may be so I soon lost the urge to beat-box. Almost derailing the sensitivity of the subject matter though was Sharon Stone’s Fat-Gurn-Suit she wore during the interview scene.

Afterward I followed John (who had since finished work) to his nearby lodgings to discussed plans for the site with him and his flatmate (Let’s call him Fritz : ' ). Soon though, tired and in need of a brain drilling, I headed home.

You want me to wear What!?!